More Than Sadness

I have been thinking about this for the last few days. There have been just too many thoughts bouncing around in my head, and I need to get them all out. I don't have a journal, so this suffices. If you do not want to read about depressing things, then do not read this. Also, many of you know my in-laws, and if you don't want to know more about them, then stop reading. I am not trying to judge anyone, but I am angry and confused. Wednesday evening, my sister-in-law's boyfriend committed suicide. Even typing this now makes me feel like ice is running through my veins. They had been together for a really long time (about 6 or 7 years, on and off for the past 2 years, but on for the last couple of months). There are just so many questions left after this. I don't want to post any details of it, because it is just too morbid. I will just talk about what happened after. My sis-in-law (SIL from here on out) is destroyed. I think that is the only way to describe her. I don't know how she will get through this, but I know she can. He did leave a note, and from what I have heard, he blames his dad. I know his dad was really hard on him, and expected a lot. But I feel so awful for both his parents. Being a parent myself, I can't imagine going through this, and feeling responsible. No one deserves this. I know I didn't know him well, but he was so nice. He was always polite, and played with the kids and always seemed to smile. He had so many friends, and his facebook page has been flooded with condolences. I just hope he is happier where he is now. During this, I have lost respect for my father-in-law (FIL now). The night it happened, my SIL showed up to stay at their house with the dogs (her and her boyfriend had 2 dogs together, which he was keeping). My FIL doesn't say anything nice, no "I'm sorry." Instead, he decided to throw a little fit because she has the dogs. My mother-in-law did put her foot down and let the dogs stay there. But my FIL was so angry, he didn't talk to his own daughter in the midst of her desperation. He didn't talk to her for over a day. Not until my mother-in-law made him, and even then all he could mutter was, "I'm sorry." Even when she was sitting on the couch sobbing, he couldn't get off his own chair to comfort her. I know he has these angry moods, where he is just mad at everyone, but to not be able to see past yourself to you own child who has been destroyed is beyond my comprehension. I have always tried to make excuses for him in the past, but I am beyond excuses now. My mother-in-law and I have had our differences, and I know she will always say things that make me cringe inside, but I have to respect her for trying to get her husband to be the dad. She is doing what she can with what she knows. It may not be the right thing, but she is trying, which is more than I can say for my FIL. I saw my SIL today, and she seems to be getting by. She does look empty, and just said, "I still don't believe it, it doesn't seem real." I can't even imagine what the next few weeks, months and years will look like for her. She has been very involved with his mom planning the funeral, and I think that has helped. She was able to see him yesterday and said he looks peaceful. I hope his spirit is also peaceful now. And I hope that she will also find peace one day. The obituary will be in the paper tomorrow, and I will post a link when I am able to.

OK, here is the obituary:  Zac

Work, and Birthdays

I know that I said I was going to blog about the octuplet lady, but I just can't.  I am so sick of hearing about her, that I don't want to add to it.  I will say she seems a little crazy, and I feel bad for all those kids.

I have been thinking a lot lately about going back to work.  Yes, I kind of work now, but I work maybe 10 hours per week.  I just like to imagine all the monetary benefits of me working.  Plus, it would keep me busy so I wouldn't be tempted to spend money.  (When I get bored I tend to buy things).  But I worry about the kids.  My current job allows me to bring the kids with me, which is great for the amount of hours I work.  However, it might get more difficult trying to bring them with me more.  I don't think they would like being there for 5 or 6 hours straight.  Ciara is starting kindergarten in the fall, which means she will be gone every day.  (I can't believe she is that old).  I just wish I had picked a better major.  Why didn't I do nursing when I had the chance?  

I am also trying to find a fun place to have the kids' birthday party.  I am not having it at home, so I have been looking at different places.  I think my top 2 are Young Chefs Academy, or Bouncin' off the Walls.  If anyone has any other suggestions, let me know!  

Too Busy

What is going on? I thought things were meant to slow down in January, but I am still so busy and February just started. I am gone every night this week, which I HATE. I haven't been very good at keeping this blog updated. I do have a topic I am working on right now, but I want to get all my facts straight before I start to rant (this has to do with octuplet woman). Meanwhile, I have been reading like a mad woman. In the past month, I have read the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series (twice), 19 Minutes, Revolutionary Road, Wicked, and am now on to Left to Tell. This last book is a must read for EVERYONE. It tells the story of a survivor of the Rwanda Holocaust. It is a true story of how she survived by hiding in a tiny bathroom with 6 other women for 91 days. They never left the room. It is such an incredible story, and I encourage everyone to read it.